


Resentment

by JordanLynn



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood, Blood and Injury, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Force-Sensitive Reader, Happy Ending, Healthy Relationships, I watched the movies back to back and now I'm obsessed?, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, More tags to come later, Pregnancy, Reader Needs a Hug, Sadness, Smutt, Star Wars - Freeform, Violence, chaptered fic, my first Star Wars work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-17
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:47:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23182714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JordanLynn/pseuds/JordanLynn
Summary: You were built off of anger, hatred, strength, and a dash of Darkness.You could be plush. The pillows, clouds, fur of a tiger cub, and all the lushes velvets. Light sparks inside you at moments.You were him, and he couldn’t have asked for a better partner...or the one where you're everything to each other and the Resistance keeps trying to get in the middle of something they really shouldn't.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	1. Bend The Rules

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, welcome.
> 
> This is my first ever Star Wars fic so please bare with me as I try to educate myself on this fandom. Im new to it. Thx to my nephews.  
> Please be sure to leave comments and kudos because I need to be encouraged or ill just stop because im trash at consistency. 
> 
> Love.

You’re not soft.

You were built off of anger, hatred, strength, and a dash of Darkness.

You loved watching people wither in pain, watch tears roll down their faces as they begged with their eyes because their mouths couldn’t form sentences. Only harsh screams. The times you couldn’t fulfill your need of physical breakage, emotional and mental damage was next. Confusion, manipulation, poison, exploiting, and all the toxic ways to have someones mind spiraling. You had power, so much so, people could smell it radiating off of you.

You could bend the Force to your own will. It was also one of many reason you two were the most damning couple.

When he first saw you, he thought he had finally met his match. Someone who wouldn’t go down without a fight. Someone who could hold their own and wouldn’t need constant protection. He had felt fear bloom within him as he watched you slide on your knees and slice through the thighs of your enemy. He felt lust travel through his veins when your hair fell over your face, the slightest smirk on your lips.

You were him, and he couldn’t have asked for a better partner.

But…

You could be plush. The pillows, clouds, fur of a tiger cub, and all the lushes velvets. Light sparks inside you at moments. It was rare to hear these words in the same breath as your name, but when Kylo sees you, he sees…soft. A soft weapon. 

Like now, you stand in front of the window wall, black silk curtains drape the ten feet down to brush against the ebony tiles. They dance softly from the breeze of the air conditioning and your dress waltzing with.

Shoulders exposed from the sleeves resting on your biceps, the deep plunge of neckline stopsat the breast bone, putting some of your most awarding scars on display. The hem of the dress lays with the tile of the flooring, becoming one with the same hue. You’re watching the stars, the far away planets you’ve yet to land. The guide ships trailing along side the mother, keeping watch of you watching. Your eyes come to focus on yourself in the reflection of the glass, and you softly smile.

Kylo is leaning against his desk, chest bare to the world, with tight black leather pants hugging his muscular legs. His hair frames his face heavenly, causing him to look angelic- you laugh to yourself. The thought of people, or someone, thinking Kylo Ren as angelic is something you never would ever hear. Kylo is watching you from under his lashes, small smile on his full lips, with a mug of tea in his dominate hand. His other resting under his bulging bicep. “What are you looking at?” He questions. His voice low and slow, dripping over your skin like honey.

You shiver, “The world.” Eyes keeping contact with his as you speak, “And what are you looking at?”

Kylo shuffles, crossing one ankle over the other, “My world.” His voice speaks it so strongly, you can feel the vibrations on your spine. You blush at his words, lowering your eyes back to the guide ships.

You realize how small they are compared to the mother, little towns surrounding the city. You find their job to be pitiful, almost pointless. Two of the most powerful beings are in the city, the towns serve no purpose to protect the land the enemy wishes to reach. You shift your weight to rest on your left leg, tilt your head to the right, and ponder and entertain the thought of what others may think of you. A woman of such righteousness, paired with the man who can crush someones windpipe before the even have a chance to blink.

“What are you thinking?” The voice of silk asks from right behind your ear. He’s much taller than you, so his voice feels like a waterfall cascading down on you. His hands find home on your bare shoulders, rubbing small circles with his thumbs. You know if anyone saw him like this, they wouldn’t live to be able to tell, or have a tongue to speak it with.

“I was thinking of what other must see when they look at me.” You cock your head farther to the right, “do they find us and wonder how is he with her, or how is she with him. Do they question themselves because they are not us? What would the worlds look like if we had not found one another? What shape would the First Order be in?” You crane your head back to look up at Kylo, “Or, would you be with someone else?”

Your brain quickly flashes back to Rey, the girl that is nothing. The girl who comes from nothing. A girl who simply was taught the ways of the Force and now believes she has a place in this story. You remember her clearly. The girl who killed many of your men, almost killed your man, and the girl who took your life. Killing the only being you had ever loved before Kylo. Your unborn son.

Lips meet the junction between your neck and shoulder, applying pressure to the taught knot, “I may not be able to get inside your head, but I don’t have to have the Force in order to know who you’re thinking about.” He sucks softly at the skin, drawing a quiet mewl from you, “No need to think of her. It gives her power,” his breath dances over the tender spot, “and you are a Queen who does not give anyone that power.”

He is correct. No one deserves to have the power of knowing they hurt you. That they cut so deep, they can see the marrow in the bone and pull it out with their own fingertips. The lights begin to flicker as the ground starts to rattle, “No one deserves to have my power,” You all but hiss between your teeth.

Kylo travels his hands down to yours, closing his fist around your fingers, “Don't damage my ship, or I’ll have to show you my power,” the threat lays flat, “use it on me.”

Your heart blooms and the breath in your lungs is punched out. You shift your anger to Kylo, using the Force to grab at parts of his body, using invisible hands to pinch and pull at skin. His own breath fans against your ear, hitching when your anger flares at the idea of them taking him from you. You would burn the galaxies, destroy worlds, and tear apart universes if you lost another love. Back arches slightly as you angle your head farther back to rest against his shoulder. “If they hurt you, or take you from me, I will make them pay more so than they already have.”


	2. Heartbreak Weather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for some sadness and angst and violence. I know, quick in, buuuttttt it's needed. Enjoy.
> 
> Love.

Navy sky bleeds into a sweet orange, a mouth watering blend of fruity reds and peach. The stars have begun to twinkle through the soft fog in the air, the moon saying hello at a quarter. Wind whispering against your skin and the chill isn’t from the low temperature. Your breath comes out in deep puffs as you try to regain your composer; your hair is causing your vision to distort as well as the tears. Your throat is sore from the yelling and your limbs are bleeding. Is that your blood on your hands, or is it someone else?

The Resistance had decided it was time to attack, when the First Order hadn’t been expecting it. Starkiller base had been sound sleep when Kylo had shook you alive from your slumber, telling you he feels something is off. And before you could brush it off as something small, an explosion throw you both off the bed. It was within seconds, you both were dressed and running down the halls, commending you men to get into action.

You and Kylo tried to stay together. You fight better together. The perfect weapons together. But, somehow, somewhere, something went wrong because now you stand inside the throne room, and Kylo is nowhere to be seen. You feel him not too far, he could possibly feel it as well. 

The woman across from you is just as bad, if not worst. Blood trickles down her temples and her nose whimpers crimson. If it wasn’t for the fact you knew she hadn’t struck your face, the blood on your face would be concerning.

What was concerning was the ache shooting through your abdomen, into your lower back. Liquid hot pain that felt like acid pouring down your skin, soaking into your belly and suddenly vomiting feels like the only thing you wish to do.

But, you hold still. Your lightsaber burns the white hairs of Her cheek, “Whats your name?” Your voice gives a waver, showing a hint of your agony.

“Rey,” Short. Easy to remember. Basic. Her eyes drop down to the swell of your stomach, brown growing wide as she suddenly realizes. Eyes snapping back up to yours. “are you..?” Now it's her voices turn to shake.

“I was,” you correct, the stabbing growing stronger, and the tears are now flowing freely down your cheeks. The Force is whispering for you to call out to Ren, to call out to someone because your child is swallowing blood and you can feel him begging. You already know it's too late. You scream out as your agony seeps deeper into your bones.

Rey takes this chance to run, cutting her hair in the turn to escape. You’re too weak to run after her, too weak to use The Force to stop her, to choke the life out of her. To kill her slowly and painfully.

There is a shift suddenly in The Force. The world seems to tilt and your eyes roll back into your skull and you feel yourself falling.

You feel everything.

The slow beat of your child’s heart as he fights with all his little might to stay alive inside you. Torture spreads, your own heart pounding in your ears, behind your eyelids, and you try to Force whisper to your child.

_It's going to be okay, little one. You’ll be okay._

A cry from afar is heard mixed with the ringing in your head. A final breath from your son.

_You’re okay. I love you._

The earth cracks around your body, an agonized screech is ripped from your chest. So powerful, your back arches off the ashy floor, your eyes flying open and your hands holding your belly. You feel him die inside. You feel the blood drown him. And you hear, more so _feel,_ Kylo yell as he insert his lightsaber into a Resistance member. 

You finally cry out to him, punching your fists onto the ground. You try to move, try to stand, try to fucking do something, but everything hurts. Your heart. Your bones. Your skin. Your soul. This is what death feels like.

Crying, your roll to your side and begin the most excruciating crawl of your life. You must move, must find Kylo. As you put one arm out in front of you, your vision flashes black before coming back. You cry, pulling yourself across the floor, leaving a thick red line in the wake of your body.

When you reach out again, your hand makes contact with debris, you could almost scream again. You can’t get over the fallen ceiling that now lays in your way.

You’re frustrated, you’re going to vomit, and you’re going to fucking kill Rey. Closing your eyes, you take a deep breath and, “ _Kylo_!”

World starts to fade around the corners of your vision. The sight of black boots and the sound of lightning is the last thing before the darkness completely consumes you.

_Kylo._


	3. Little Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment is shared

Sometimes, when the world is quiet and the ship is asleep, you’ll walk the hallways to think.   
  


It’s rare for you to have moments alone, peaceful quietness. Kylo rarely lets you alone without him, for he fears someone may attempt to hurt you. You laugh at him, “if I can inflict fear in you, I can handle my own.”   
  


Your husband is away, down on the plant you currently hover over, to restore order to the creatures breaking code.   
  


In these moments, you think. You wonder if life outside of First Order. Wonder what if Kylo and you were those of Lightness. Wonder if the walls would bounce the laugher of your sons. Your eyes close softly at the idea, hearing him in your mind. A four year olds high laugh playing like a melody in your ears.   
  


Tears swell behind your lids, hand makes contact with the window that looks out into the galaxy, the other over your empty womb. Life would be different. Kylo and you had promised if you brought a child into this world, you would hid him from the First Order. Would use force shields and find solitude on a hidden world. You had everything planned.   
  


Then she happened. She had to ruin the life you had wished for, the life you were growing. 

Reys past meant nothing to you. Her heritage was of a joke and pity and inconvenience. She took up the air you could have given to your child, takes up a place in this universe she doesn’t deserve. She’s part of the cult Kylos mother runs, she’s part of an organization that wishes to install peace, but knows nothing of it.   
  


General Leia...a woman who birthed the love of your life. Woman who knows nothing of said child. She wishes to bring home her son, turn him into the being she gave up on. You heard of what she thinks of Kylo, heard her plans to make him Ben again.   
  


Your heart skips, your mind pauses. What would life be with...Ben?   
  


Would everything be plush? Smooth? Sweet twinkling stars?   
  


You blush at the idea. Had he tried to channel his inner Light when the opportunity to become a father sparked?

You shed a tear. You realize. 

Blood stained hands and nightmare mind, you still long for a normal life away from horror and leadership. A life outside of control and manipulation and a life inside of love and calm.   
  


Finally lifting your lids, your watered eyes stare at your blurry reflection. You enjoy inflicting fear, to rule over those who believe they have a meaning, but you relish in Kylo.   
  


Kylo Ren is your everything. The oxygen your inhale and carbon you exhale. A man who you’d give your life for. A being you wish to change for. Kylo, who you’d kill for.   
  


Hearing a tick behind you, you turn swiftly and throw a mini blade. It embeds its self into the helmet of a Knight, who only lets out a small squeak. For a moment, you’re disappointed the knife doesn’t kill him, “What?” You hiss. How dare he ruin your stroll.   
  


“Your majesty,” he rebuttals quickly, “Supreme Leader has returned and is searching for you.”   
  


Tilting your head back, you sigh. Only Kylo would send his Knights to wonder for you. “I will return to him shortly. Thank you.” You nod to him.   
  


He takes a small bow with his head and you smile at him. The knife in the head is amusing and sure your husband will have questions later.   
  


Taking one last glance out the window at the planet below you, you twist on your heels and pat back to your living quarters. Kylo had not been gone for a whole moon, and yet most of his check in take nearly two moons. 

It's not something you don't realize right away, but when it hits, you feel it deep in your bones. Your hand is hovering over the key pad to enter your shared living quarters, heart in head as you use to force to search. The Knight said Kylo is searching for you. Kylo can just talk to you through the force.

" _Kylo_..." You force. Body still as a stone, eyes prickling, dread is starting to settle in your bones. 

" _Yes, my love?_ " He forces back, his voice sounding calm and sweet. There is a hint of wind in his mind, a peek into the world around him. 

You close your eyes as you let out a hard sob, " _they're here. Im so sorry_."

Whatever he was going to say back, is died out when you turn around the stab a Resistance member in the stomach. His lifeless body falls against you and you use to it to shield yourself against the wall. Over the dead mans shoulder, you spot General Hux standing next to General Leia. Your eyes remain focused on them, a deer now in headlights. The group of men behind them are not those of First Order, non of the Knights, but purely Resistance. The man who claim to me a Knight stands near the front, the knife still stuck in the helmet that's tucked under his arm. At least he's showing his face so you know who to point at when Kylo returns. If...he returns in time. You just need to stall them.

No one moves.

No one so much as lifts a muscle for fear you'll shatter the base and let the oxygen out. 

Hux is the first to open his mouth, "we all know Kylo must be stopped. You know he mu-" 

The invisible hand closes around his windpipe, and lifts him off the ground to throw him against the ceiling and to the floor, and back again. He lands on his stomach and lets out the most pitiful squeal of pain. "Anyone else?" You hiss as you finally drop the dead man to your feet. The front of your dress is now glossy black from his blood.

Leia moves her hand, dangling a necklace from her fingertips. Two gold dice hang from a gold chain with different shapes on each side. You know that jewelry, know it from somewhere deep inside your memory. You just stare blankly at it before looking up at your mother-in-law. "You know what these are, yes?" She asks in her honey voice. You simply nod. "Then you know what he has done. If a man can kill his own father without hesitation, then he is a man that needs help." 

Eye twitching, "and parents that gave up on their child and still blame the child for his wrongs without hesitation, are parents that are not worth helping." You tighten your hand on the saber strapped to your hip. How dare she speak of him like she knows him.

Her eyes fall sad, brows dropping as she closes her hand over the piece of gold, "has he showed you everything?" Leia's voice drops.

You watch her as you speak next, eyes burning into her skull, "yes. How your brother tried to kill him because he though your son had chosen a side. How you didn't try to save him as he took on this dark power. How only his father was the only man brave enough to get close enough. How Han Solo was the only parent of his that come into battle to try to free him. Kylo still fights the war inside himself to this day, " you unlatch the saber, "and I will not let his mother try to tell him who should or shouldn't be. You had your chance to save him, to make him you son again. But you lost that chance," you ignite the purple molten saber, the hall filling with the sound of gasps and buzzing, "when you sent that female to him. When you sent her to me and she killed what would have been your grandson." 

The world turns cold around you. Leia's face turns bright red, eyes turning the similar shade of rose. The man to her right, Poe as you remember, looks down at her, "did you know?" he whispers. Everyones eyes are on the General now. 

She's silent for a long moment. Her golden eyes seem too strain as they keep locked with yours. You can hear the words before she speaks them, and as they leave her mouth, you know the war is going to release. "I knew you had fallen pregnant, I did not know Rey had been the reason was to why the child was never birthed. She had told me she saw the swell of your belly," a single tear trickles down the side of her face, "and she had told me after the fight, that maybe something had gone wrong."

You swing the saber and slice open the wall, "Gone wrong?" You swing again, ripping the wall open more, "You didn't think that something bad would happen when," swing, "you attacked," slice, "a sleeping," a hissing sound, "family!" The last swing busts open the wall seperating you and the black lifeless abyss of stars. The wind is powerful, the darkness trying to suck the bodies into it. You stand your ground, watching the group try not to fall or trip over one another. Poe, Finn, and the General stand still, holding their hands above their faces to attempt to keep watch of you.

Your hair whips around your face, leaving red lines in their wake. The black dress you wear is flying in the suction. "You killed our little boy because you wanted to make a point to the First Order that the Resistance would always be ready. But you failed to think. You talk of peace but know nothing of it. You wish to restore peace while fighting wars you shouldn't start." The purple glow of your saber radiates brighter, "That doesn't make you any better than the First Order."

In that moment, every human being freezes, the wind frozen in place and the hissing of the pressure is muted. Your head slowly turn to look over your shoulder and all eyes fall on the masked man on your husband. The gasps of the trio in front of you cause a small smile to form on your face. When Kylo takes his place beside you, he unlocks his helmet and lets it tumble to the ground. HIs eyes look red and angry. He first casts his eyes down to you, worry seeming to ease from them, before looking back to his mother. "Mother." He spits. She lets out a small sob at the sight of him.

She sees you two together, the perfect pair, what would have been the perfect parents. You both know how to protect and defend. Both know how to survive and know what's right and wrong. She knows the child would have been raised right, would have been as fearless as his parents and grandfather before him. "Im sorry." Is all she whispers before Poe as wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her down the corridor.

The shouting, screaming, yelling, and shooting starts. Sabers crash and force is used as the two sides finally fight, hand and hand. And everything seems to be going smooth until a sword is inserted into your side, and all the screaming on the whole ship is only falling from your mouth. 


End file.
